I.

It was April 2011 when I found myself kneeling on my bedroom floor, sobbing at the computer screen.

I'd stumbled upon a blog post about the telltale signs of when your relationship isn't meant to be. I read every word like a child being spoon fed - one thing at a time, every single piece of it meaningful.

I cried while I read it a second time. Then I sat there, on the plush carpet at the foot of my bed, wondering if I could un-read the things I'd learned. I'd spent 3 years with him. He'd been my first love and my reason to move to Atlanta. I'd felt so certain he was the one for so many years. 

But then, everything changed. 

He didn't treat me as well. I felt frustrated constantly. I knew he was treating me poorly, but he convinced me to believe I was being too emotional and too demanding. My gut told me I wasn't being too anything at all, but he was so convincing. 

I spent a lot of Friday nights alone. 

Even though I had a serious boyfriend. I was so new to Atlanta and didn't have that many friends yet. He had a lot of guy nights and requested a lot of alone time. My apartment was constantly clean and everything was alphabetized and organized.  I had a lot of time on my hands.

I found myself on the phone with Progressive one Friday night when I called to change my insurance. I was 24, drinking a glass of wine and talking to Flo. The woman asked me why I was home alone on a Friday night when I'd just moved to a new city. I told her I didn't know why. 

II.

It was May when it was over.  

In retrospect, I don't know why I was so shocked. But every part of me was. I felt confused and devastated in my whole body. I think my toes even hurt. I remember wondering if I'd ever laugh again.  Wondering how I'd missed the signs.

I watched Oprah's finale episode with my friend Katie. We ate sushi and I cried. Not about Oprah, though I was sad to see her go. One of Oprah's final words of wisdom was that sometimes God will knock on your door gently when He wants you to make a change. Oprah said He'd knock a little louder and louder each time if you failed to hear Him. Eventually, she said, He'd knock your door down. 

I think your door just got knocked down, Katie told me. 

I cried a lot during those first few weeks. When a friend picked me up at the airport, I cried that it wasn't him. When I went on a first date, I cried the whole way there. When I drank wine, I cried. I cried for what we were and were not. 

III.

It was October when I started to feel normal again.

I thank God every day for the new friends He brought me and the way He taught me to love Atlanta on my own. I will never forget the first time I laughed and it didn't hurt at all. And the first time I kissed someone else and kind of liked it. I'll never forget dancing with Prince Eric on Halloween, realizing that new beginnings are fun and exciting. 

I gripped our relationship with white knuckles because I was so certain that even though things didn't feel so great anymore, I still wanted it. I clung to who we once were and ignored who we'd become. I made excuses for the way he treated me {"he's stressed at work"}. I let fear be my guiding light instead of Truth. I was so afraid of starting over at 24. 

I was so worried I wouldn't get the husband, babies and house I'd always dreamed of if I had to begin again. 

But if fear is our compass and our reason to stay, it's no reason at all. There is a better plan than you can fathom, if you make room for it. There is beauty in a new beginning and hope in even the most painful of endings. There is more peace in opening up our palms and letting go than we'll ever find in holding on to what's already breaking our hearts and slipping through our fingertips.

IV.

It was October 2013 when I realized there was someone out there waiting for me all along. 

From the moment I met Chris, I realized I'd been missing something in my dating life. Not because I thought he was the one right off the bat, but because when you find someone that treats you how you're meant to be treated and is sensitive to your needs, you realize there is no room in your life for anything but that.

And that's where love is. It's in the freedom of knowing you can be who you are,  be vulnerable with how you feel, and find consistency each day. And if there is one thing the world needs more of, it's love.

XO.