Today, Delta told me I flew twice in 2024. Two flights. Total. One to Florida and one to Denver. I sent a screen shot to a friend: it’s a sign of the times, I said. There was a season of life when I flew at least twice a month to see friends and family, not to mention work travel mixed in. There was a time when most of my paycheck went toward purchasing airline tickets. When I even had, dare I say it, status :)

But now, I’m very much in Zone 8 (or Zone 27, if you’re flying Delta through Atlanta). Between having babies, nursing babies, and Covid putting a major pause on our auxiliary travel, it stopped being something we did without thinking.

Around the new year, I saw people posting about the “major whiplash” of 2019 to 2025. The pandemic warped the years; we all lost track of time and were left a little unsteady on our feet. What year is it?

In 2019, I was desperate for a second baby. We’d had two miscarriages, three D&Cs and a chemical pregnancy. I started 2020 so weary that, at many points, the pandemic felt easier for me personally than 2019 did.

Here we are in 2025 (right?), and the whiplash I feel is real. To hold Annie, our fourth baby, leaves me humbled in a way nothing else has. At times, I can barely begin to feel the depth of gratitude - it’s like the anecdotal iceberg - I can see the tip of it, but there is so much more to process below the surface.

For a long time, I’ve wanted to write about hanging in there if you’re going through it like we were in 2019. But how can I do it without feeling trite? I’ve struggled because I know there are people who have been in the depths of infertility for years and did not enter 2025 with four babies. I am humbled and grateful beyond words that we did and I believe, so deeply, that each person’s story is written for them - no pain will be wasted. But when it comes to infertility, I know those words can feel like platitudes, bandaids. So I’ve waited and stayed quiet.

The last time I blogged, Mac was still in his crib. I was just beginning my third trimester of my pregnancy with Hank. I was holding my breath every day, begging the Lord to give us this baby. With each pregnancy I breathed a little easier, especially as we passed the first trimester.

Here we are, at the end of our fertility journey. Doesn’t it feel good to know this is our family? Chris asks me. And it does. It absolutely does. I’m purging baby clothes. Each time Annie and Hank grow out of something, it’s on to the next family as fast as I can get it off of their little bodies.

It’s bittersweet, of course, but I anticipated more of an ache with it. I think I’m so overwhelmed with gratitude for all that we have, that there is hardly room for anything else.

Annie is sleeping through the night and napping well and, for the first time in a long time, I can see through the fog a bit. In March, I was laid off from my job due to a restructuring. Before that, Chris had switched jobs. We’d also moved houses and, to be honest, in every year of our marriage since 2016, we’d made a major change - new city, new baby, new job, etc. I’m feeling my shoulders drop for the first time in a long time this year. Who knows what changes 2025 will bring, but I’m so grateful for be asking questions I have not had capacity to ask in recent months. What do I want to do for income? For example.

My blog (can I even call it that, five years later?), is riddled with spam comments. My pageviews are at an all time low and this is certainly no longer an income source. But, today, Delta’s overview of my travel made me laugh out loud and felt like a writing prompt. Just as Delta intended!?

In case you’re still here all of the years later, I’ll leave you with this:

What I’m cooking: I have the Defined Dish cookbook and we cannot get enough of her baked crunchy tacos. A crowd pleaser for adults and kids alike!

What I’m reading: I just finished Listen for the Lie and One Perfect Couple. Both were non-scary page turners. Right now I am reading The Last Time I Lied and Family Discipleship. I am enjoying them all!

What I’m loving: My new 64 ounce water bottle. It’s so extra, I know! But it helps me stay hydrated while nursing Annie. I love that it has no straw and has a handle. I wish the mouthpiece was silicone instead if plastic, I must admit.

Thanks for reading :)