I’ve been asked a lot, lately, about how to care for someone who is going through a miscarriage. I’ve hesitated to write about it because grief is so personal. What felt helpful and healing to me might not to you.

But after enough people asked the same question, it hit me: this is one of the very few silver linings of our losses. To be able to help people love their friends who are grieving better might be one of the main benefits of what we went through.

Recognizing each piece of advice below should be read through the filter of your friend’s personality, here are a few ways to love a couple well in the wake of a miscarriage.

1. Take food, send a small gift, or send a card. Leave it on the doorstep. Don’t ask them to talk, just let them know you are there, loving them and the baby they lost.

2. Pray for them and text them your prayers. I sobbed through text messages for days after our losses and believe, someday, I’ll see those words in Heaven. They carried me.

3. Remember their baby. It’s really easy - especially if you haven’t had a miscarriage - to want them to move on. We all feel better when grief ends. But the minute you find out you are pregnant, you begin dreaming of that baby. Of the name and the nursery and the sweet face and the gender. Losing that is heartbreaking; whether it is 48 hours or 14 weeks later need not matter. It feels like a death in your family. Different than a child or adult death, yes. But a major loss nonetheless.

4. If you have not had a miscarriage, don’t offer advice. Just let them know you are ready to listen at any moment.

5. Ask them if they want to talk about it. If they do, be a safe listening space. If they don’t, do not force it. Offer a distraction if that’s what they want. Everyone grieves at different paces and in different ways.

6. Don’t offer platitudes. I have learned that platitudes generally leave the speaker feeling better, but the recipient feeling worse.

7. If you think you might have a podcast, book, Instagram post, article, etc., that might be helpful, ask them if they would like to see it before sending it. Sometimes it feels helpful to read other people’s stories. Sometimes it can be haunting or panic-inducing. Check before you send it their way.

8. If you are pregnant, acknowledge it. Tell them it’s OK if it is hard for them to be around you, attend your baby shower, etc. Give them extra grace. Pregnancy is so, so visible, it can feel like it’s in your face in the wake of a miscarriage. When my friends acknowledged this, it changed everything. It made me feel safe to attend their showers, knowing there might be tears.

9. If you get pregnant and are going to share the news with them, tell them over text first. One of the hardest parts of our miscarriages is that I wanted to be (and was!) happy for my friends. But it’s SO much easier to hear it over text first, then call when you’re ready to celebrate.

10. Remember their due date. Text them on that day and let them know you’re thinking of them.