Chris and I have Be Still My Soul prints hanging above our bed. We bought them when we were in one of our busiest seasons a few months ago - a nod toward a life we wanted to cultivate.
On the nights when I am tossing and turning, refusing to settle my mind, they remind me of a trick an old bible study leader taught me. She said, when she couldn't sleep, she'd repeat Psalm 46:10 over and over, saying:
Be still and know that I am God
Be still and know that I am
Be still and know
Be still
Be
Each time she did it, she would take a deep breath as the message simplified, letting a little more calm wash over her.
Before I quit my job, I felt nervous that I wasn't ready. I constantly wondered if I should stay a little longer - until I felt more certain and prepared. I kept picturing myself out a sea, holding on to a bright yellow raft with one arm. I knew that, at some point, I had to let go. I had to see if I'd learn to swim or plunge into the deep, blue ocean. But, every time I thought about letting go, I would think: oh! I can hold on a little longer. It's not hurting anything.
During the last week, I've begun to see that I wasn't actually becoming readier by holding on to the raft longer. Saving money? Yes. Staying comfortable? Of course. But, the work that needs to be done in my heart isn't about money and comfort. It's about giving this season fully to the Lord. It's about untying my worth from productivity, to do lists and hustle. It's about making room for rest, play and creativity, understanding that they provide me more connectivity to others.
It's about believing, wholeheartedly, that I am enough, so that I can help other women understand that they are, too.
During the last week and a half, I've felt pressure to produce something quickly - as if I should be able to say, in just a few short days: voilà! I drafted a book proposal and launched a summer camp and published a few blog posts, too.
Chris has been a superhero, reminding me each day that this phase isn't about output or income. It's not about hashtags or hustle or page views or followers. It's about creating more white space, consuming good works and researching women + worth like crazy.
It's about remembering there are seasons for hustle and seasons for slowing. There are seasons for holding on and seasons for letting go. It's about believing that, regardless of whether I sink or swim, I'll never regret giving up my life raft and letting the cool blue wave wash over me.