When You Live Far Away from People You Love

My freshman year of college, when I was battling both homesickness and frigid Chicago winters, I loved to go to Borders to peruse books and treat myself to a chai latte. When Borders went out of business, one of the first things I did was Google its chai tea mix, wondering if I might be able to indulge elsewhere. In retrospect, this seems somewhat insensitive to Borders. But, I digress.

One afternoon I was exceptionally homesick and stumbled upon this Papyrus card. I remember thinking, in the most dramatic way: This. Card. Gets. Me. I wanted to buy it for so many friends. But, at $6.50 a pop, that translated into about two lattes a piece. So I bought one and kept it for myself, a reminder to keep dreaming the big dreams of creating a tiny neighborhood with all of the people I love packed into it. With warm summer nights on one another's back decks as the smell of charcoal grills wafted through the air. With short walks to friends' houses and easy just-saying-hi-drop-bys each week.

For a moment, we sort of had this in Atlanta. I lived in a duplex with my brothers and my friend Melly. Our dear friends Katie and Austen lived just down the hill. And one street over? Was our friend Megan. It felt like this magical one mile loop that would have been ideal for a progressive dinner. 

There were, of course, hundreds of other people I would have loved to cram into our street. But I remember thinking we were so lucky to have this much love and support in our area. I remember knowing, acutely, that it wouldn't last forever. We couldn't all rent duplexes and basements forever. Someday, we'd make grown up choices - different choices - that would lead us all in various directions. 

And when those days started coming, I remember thinking one of life's greatest injustices is that you can't always live near everyone you love.

Why does my cousin have to live in California and my sister in Denver? Why are friends as far east and west as the world can take them, beyond a weekend drive? Why does it sometimes feel like pieces of my heart are scattered all across America when I really want it to be right here in Virginia? 

Every time I've moved, leaving behind people I love dearly, I remember feeling like it was such an unfair part of the process. 

And although I haven't yet come up with a way to teleport, I can tell you this for sure: it's OK for this to be a really, really hard part of moving. It's OK if it makes you want to tantrum a little bit. It's OK if every part of your move - or your friend's move - feels right, except for this portion of it. You are not alone in this feeling.

What I always try to remember, on those days when I'm missing my friends more than ever, is that we're lucky to have had a season in life that made our paths cross. And even more fortunate to have the kind of friendships that allow us to pick back up right where we left off when we're reunited.

image via

Also, something I have learned as I've created more long-distance friendships is that it forces you to be more intentional with them. We talk on the phone a lot more than we did when we were neighbors. And those phone conversations are more thoughtful and purposeful - because we know we need them. When we're in the same city, we make our time together count, with real, sans-technology togetherness and eye contact. 

Does this make up for the fact that you can't grab a quick coffee or go for an after-diner walk? It doesn't. But sometimes a scheduled phone date, a walk&talk catch up, or a quick Facetime will be just the tenderness your soul needs. And as a wise veteran at the airport once told me, with those you love, it's never really goodbye you have to say. It's always until we meet again. Someday soon, perhaps before we know it, they'll be knocking on our doors and sitting on our porches, telling us about their new city or latest adventure. 

How to Make Friends in a New City

Hello, butterbeans! This is a repost from 2013, with just a handful of changes throughout. It is one of my most-read posts of all time and, as many of you are graduating from college and moving cities, I thought it was a good time to share it again. Happy moving!

Does anyone have this image source? I cannot find!

The end of this month officially marks three years in Atlanta for me, which is insane because it feels like only yesterday that I packed up a U-Haul and moved here. At the same time, though, it feels like a lifetime ago that I was living in Indy with my parents. So, so many things in my life have changed. My Brookhaven apartment is a world away now. (What I didn't tell you in 2013 is that I had also gone through a really tough breakup after moving here for a boy. Atlanta felt big and scary and lonely for a long, long time.)

Since moving here, I've gotten a lot of requests for a post on how to make friends in a new city. And while I, by no means, consider myself a pro, I figured I might as well share what I know. 

Friendships after college fit right into the entire decade of our 20s perfectly: they're a total adjustment. 

They're amazing because you're growing up together - learning how to be a mini adult, bonding over the woes of working (where's our summer?), figuring out how to cook, learning the absolute beauty of the weekend.

But you're also paying bills. Learning to say no. Realizing that a best friend after college doesn't mean spending every waking minute together, eating late night food, sharing closets and cracking up over the ridiculous thing that guy said.

No, instead, these friendships are about growing through this transition together and figuring out where we all net out. 

You begin to see that we're not all the same. When you're not living the same life [wake up, class, workout, class, eat, study, go out. Begin again.], priorities become very real.

There are people that will still go out every night, rolling into work hungover but somehow magically presentable. There are people that get married and have babies right away. There are those that fly through corporate America, pouring themselves into the latter, climbing and climbing. And there are those who are slowly trying to figure it out - manage a balance of collegehood and adulthood, maturity and grace. 

Find your people. They're all good people. Find the ones that suit you. And, here's how I think you should do it...

How to Make Friends in a New City

1. Be vulnerable. I know. I really started with a zinger. But it's key. You have to be willing to put yourself out there - ask people to do something, be a little more open than you traditionally would be and keep on trying. Sometimes you don't connect the first time you hang out. Sometimes people are crazy busy. Keep asking. 

I am embarrassed to admit this, but when I first moved here, if I met someone in a social setting and could see myself being friends with them, I'd say: I know we just met, but do you want to hang out sometime? And then, I'd normally add: I just moved here and don't really have any friends yet, but you seem great! 

And you know what? Normally they would say: I did, too! It's so hard not knowing anyone! When you're honest with people about your intentions and feelings, it's amazing how honest they'll be in return. Some of my greatest friendships here began with that pickup line. 

(Also, the entire experience of asking girls on friend-dates gave me so much more sympathy for boys. It's nerve wracking!)

image via

2. Be a yes man. I realize this totally goes against all my unglorification of busyness business. But this is a sprint, my friends. In the marathon of life, I still believe in slowing down and prioritizing. However, when you're trying to make friends, sometimes you just have to be that girl that says yes to things. You can't get to know people if you always go home and sit on the couch. It's after you make friends that you begin hibernating. 

Kidding. 

But seriously: say yes to things. When Melly and I first met, we clicked pretty quickly. And we later admitted that a huge draw to one another was that we were both always down to try new things. It's amazing to me how many people (1) refuse to do things on weeknights and (2) aren't willing to get outside of their comfort zones. I'm certainly not suggesting you do things you hate all the time or never, ever have a night at home with wine and your dog. But, when you're first meeting people, be willing to get outside of your comfort zone a bit. It's amazing what you'll learn about yourself and who you'll meet. 

3. Join, join, join things {that interest you}. I am not exaggerating when I say that the majority of the friends I've made since moving here (and didn't meet at work) have been through either (1) my bible study or (2) volunteering for Children's Healthcare of Atlanta. Do they all go to my church or volunteer there? Heck, no! But they are a friend of a friend of a friend who is now my friend. Besides, when you meet people who do care about the things you care about, you often find you have other things in common, too. 

4. Go places. I told you a while back that people love to tell me: You could meet your next boyfriend anywhere, even the grocery store! And even though it's not my favorite thing to hear, because it encourages people to act a little crazy at the grocery store (like following the cute boy to the beef jerky section when you're vegan...), there's truth to it. You can meet people anywhere - and you will! You just have to go places. 

When I first moved here, I worked from home because my company was in Indiana. Every day I went to Starbucks and soon learned that this other 20-something guy, Frank, did the same thing. By the end of the first few months, Frank and I were pals. He'd email he if I didn't show up, we'd talk all about his family's vacation home in Marblehead and slowly, we became friends. 

5. Don't be afraid to do things alone. I did so much by myself when I first moved here, and what I learned is that doing things by yourself isn't really that lonely at all. In fact, it's empowering. Today, I'm so glad I have people I can call to do things, yes. But I look back on those days and am grateful for the way trying a new class, joining a club and attending church alone shaped me. I don't fear being alone and now I have no qualms about awkwardly hitting on potential friends, hoping they might like to grab coffee sometime. 

6. Think outside the box. In high school and college, most of my friends were just like me. And that was amazing and fun and we gelled so nicely. But now, a lot of my friends are really different than me. And you know what? It's pretty cool. They teach me to think differently and offer a fresh perspective. Don't be afraid to be friends with someone who looks and acts differently than you. You never know what they'll teach you. 

7. Don't forget your old friends. Making new friends is exciting, but the old ones feel like home. You need them both. My friends and I used to call one another after our girl dates and report back: Yes, I think I like her - we might even hang out again! Or, Nah, she wasn't for me. And then: I'm so glad I have you. 

8. And remember, it will happen. Be patient. Give yourself grace. Know that it takes time to meet the right friends and develop a connection. As my mom used to tell me when I'd cry to her because I hadn't made friends yet, and just missed the ones I had from home: Once in a lifetime friends are hard to find and you're lucky enough to have found more than one in your lifetime. So, keep trying - it'll happen. And when you look back one day and realize the city doesn't feel so big and scary anymore - it kind of feels like a small town - you'll realize it was worth the wait. I promise. 

let life overflow

When I was a senior in college, a lot of girls in my sorority lived out of the house - meaning they got their own apartments. I remember, at the time, I wanted to live in the house, but kept thinking about how I was really ready to cook for myself and decorate my own place.

When my friends and I were recently back in Bloomington for a bachelorette party, I told them that if I could, I'd tell all those juniors that are making the same decision: live in senior year. You have your whole life to live on your own. This is the last chance you'll have to live with so many of your friends. Enjoy the day parties and dancing on the sundeck in the afternoon. Soak up every late night chat with froyo and blaring music while getting ready together. Enjoy communal meals and showers and the constant togetherness that inevitably fades away when you no longer live with your best friends and have minimal commitments.

As I said it, I realized this advice - this attitude of enjoy-the-now - is just as applicable to my life today, too. In our 20s, it's so easy to want what the people around us have. As I watch my friends move in with boys, move to new cities, have babies or have the incredible joy of living near their families, it's easy to feel overcome by the wanting. It's easy to let it taint the right now.

But right now is really sweet. Are there hard days? Yes. Do I sometimes feel jealous of my friends who are on different tracks than me? Of course. It's natural. But, the older I get, the more I understand that we have to make a choice at some point between overflowing and emptiness. Are we going to decide that what we have is enough - that life is overflowing - and get as much joy out of it as possible? Or are we going to always look at it as though it is not enough - that is is empty?

It got me thinking about life right now and that I really want to remember this phase. I want to soak it in so that in a few years I don't forget how great it is. Because life today is sweet. The days are long and warm and the nights are restful and balmy. Evenings are marked by walks with Chris or frisbee with my brothers. We grill out a lot and can't get enough guacamole. Life is full but not too busy.

I'm not planning a wedding or moving or making any big changes. And sometimes, I may want to rush into those things. The truth is, life right now is sort of in between a lot of different phases. But, if I let it be, it is overflowing. I want to choose to see that and allow myself to rest in its peacefulness.

Someday when things begin to change, I know I'll look back on this phase and remember it as a happy one. It's simpler and has narrowed in a lot of ways. But it's good. It feels like a warm sunny day when the breeze blows across your face. It's sweet and tender and reminds me that right now, I really like doing life with the people around me.

my favorites from this week

(one year ago when Katie & Sara were here! ^^)

Happy Wednesday! My bffs from high school, Katie and Sara, are coming in from Chicago on Friday, so this week feels like seven to me. But, alas, we're halfway there! Here are my favorite things from this week so far: 

To eat: Perfect Bars. They sent me a box to review and they are (1) delicious (2) filling (3) full of healthy ingredients - carrots and celery in each bar, to name a few. The carob chip and almond butter flavors are my favorite so far. 

To move: A rowing workout from Chris. Try it! My goal was 5,000 meters, or just over three miles. Let me know how far you get! :)

To pick me up in the afternoon: Trader Joe's new peanut butter with chia and flax mixed in. A little crunch a lot of flavor. 

To let loose: Moscow Mules at the Painted Pin (ATL Bucket List #138). I went for a going away party on Monday night and it was awesome. Even on a Monday it was crowded. So glad they're on the ATL scene.