Why I Quit Dating

On my 27th birthday, I woke up with a heavy heart. I shuffled around the house, brushing my teeth, making my bed and feeling sorry for myself. I'd had big hopes for the night before - a guy I liked was coming to my party and I was sure it was going to be the start of something for us.

I was wrong. It wasn't. 

As I made my breakfast, I started feeling frustrated. But not with the situation. With myself. I'd spent the night before with 30 of my friends, who were there to celebrate me and fill me with love for the year ahead. Here I was focusing on one dude who didn't give me the attention I'd hoped for. 

I knew, in that moment, I had to take a break from dating. I knew it had become an idol. I knew I was gripping my dreams of marriage and the future so tightly that I was strangling all of the joy out of my life.

I get a lot of emails from people who are wondering how to meet someone. First of all, let me just say: I hear you. Unending singleness can make you ache. It feels lonely. It feels like everyone else is in a club and, no matter how hard you try, you can't swing an invite.

I used to read blogs and mentally catalogue how girls met their husbands:
A blind date? Good!
High school? Ugh. Bad.
Online? Maybe that could work!
A mutual friend? YES YES YES.
Reconnected over Facebook? How does that even happen? Should I poke people? 
The grocery store? Wait! I go there all the time!

I used to tell my roommate, Melissa: If I don't meet a guy TODAY, I am going to lose it! And then, I'd go to bed again, yet another day had passed and I felt like I was the only single girl left in the city.

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I told my sisters all the time: I just want to be someone's Friday night. I want one person to want their weekend to revolve around me. I want to be somebody's first pick for New Year's Eve and automatic wedding date. I just want to be one person's person. 

As I sat there on my 27th birthday, I assessed the situation. According to the life plan I'd mapped out when I was eight years old, I was five years behind when I thought I'd get married and two babies behind schedule. 

OK, I thought. This way of living is not working. I felt an overwhelming peace as I realized I couldn't do anything more to meet my husband. I'd tried everything. My only options left were to try to live my life to the fullest, doing the things that gave me joy. And pray he'd come along.

But I couldn't control this situation; I had to let go. 

So I did.

And, a few months later, I sat in Uganda on one of our last nights there. Everyone had gone to bed, but I was sitting outside after dinner with Bob Goff. He barely knew me - we'd met on the trip and it was a large group. But, as we sat there, he said: Make sure that when a guy comes along who wants to be with you, you don't slow down. If he can keep up with you, let him run alongside you. But keep running and never slow down for someone. 

I let his words soak in as we wrapped up the trip. I realized I'd had the wrong idea all along. Throughout my 20s, I'd been running. And then I'd veer left if I thought I could meet someone. And then I'd run again. Then do a few hurdles. And veer right. Then I'd start again.

I was constantly pivoting, chasing and veering, hoping I'd find the right guy for me.

I felt completely ready to get married long before I did. But, the truth is, I was wrong. I wasn't ready to date Chris a minute before it happened. I needed to wrestle with marriage as an idol. I needed to feel the loneliness, knowing now it has shaped who I am.

I needed to go deep into the valley and sit in the darkness before I could experience all of the beauty the light had to offer.

For those of you who are in the thick of it: does it make it easier to hear my story? Maybe not. But, I hope it helps you believe that you are not the last single person left on Earth. I have been there. It hurts and it's OK to feel sad. You are beautiful and worthy of love. And, even when it feels unendingly lonely: you are never, ever alone. On the good days and the bad days, we are in this world together. 

If you want to learn more, you can read most posts about my break from dating here.

what i learned during my break from dating

It feels like a lifetime ago that I told you about my five week sabbatical from dating. And, if I can say this without sounding too dramatic: it has been life changing. 

Let me be clear, here. I wasn't fending men off with a baseball bat. I was asked on exactly two dates during the five weeks, during one of which I already had plans and the other of which I explained (verbosely) about my hiatus. 

I'm nothing if not smooth, right? 

However, regardless of whether or not men sought after my heart during the break, God most certainly did. The five weeks were some of the most transformative I've ever experienced. They were followed by Uganda and together the pair left me wrecked in the best way possible. 

Here's what happened:

1. I stopped caring about what I wear.

Sure I still love clothes, but for the first time ever I didn't think twice about wearing something bold for fear of not being asked out. I rocked my Teva's. I wore scrunchies. I ran errands without makeup. HECK the day before Uganda I went to the bank in tevas, no makeup, a scrunchie AND a Lands End fair isle black, teal and purple youth sweatshirt. 

Is this extreme? Yes. Am I dressing like a hooligan? No. Well, mostly no. But I am dressing for myself and not with the hope of meeting a guy. 

Which leads me to...

2. For the first time in years, I feel so fully like myself.

I have a constant anthem playing in my mind that my husband will love me for me - the honest, full, joke-making version of myself that I once only showed close friends and family. 

3. I do things I want and I don't do things I don't want.

Mainly, I don't go places with the hope of meeting my husband. I stopped looking for him at Whole Foods. And it has translated into other areas of my life, too. I don't say yes to plans I have no interest in doing. I learned to say no. Gahlee it only took 27 years. 

4. I don't care when I get married. 

Are you shocked?

Me too, y'all! But I mean it. Do I still want to get married and have kids? Of course. But I fully trust, without a doubt, that God hasn't forgotten me. He's working on my heart. There might be more work to do before I'm ready. And I'm ok with that. He knows what's good. He knows I want lots of kids and we've got a deal that I'll be given triplets if time starts ticking to quickly. 

I'm kidding. 

But seriously, stranger things have happened and I don't need to panic or control things. God has it covered. 

Also, I'll just steal my sisters' babies if it comes down to it. They're basically half mine anyway as their aunt. 

I'm kidding again. (Less so this time though.) 

When I was in Africa, one night after dinner Bob Goff and I were talking and he said:

Whitney, whatever you do, don't settle. Just run as fast as you can toward what you want, and if you find a guy that can keep up, let him run beside you. 

So I'm just running. Teva's and all. 

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5. I now understand that I was idolizing marriage.

Or rather, the next phase of life. That house-buying, being in love, honeymoon taking phase. But now I see that I can't put that phase before God. He is bigger and better than that phase and when the time is right, I'll get there. For now, I just have to pursue a relationship with Him and live the best life I can.

SO. With all of that to be said:

If you're thinking you might be obsessed with dating/finding your husband...

If you're the girl that, every time a friend  or coworker mentions "her brother" you have to restrain yourself from not asking immediately:

Is he single!? 
If you stalk boys in the grocery store...
If you wake up wondering what you can do TODAY to find your husband...
If every night you pray and tell God come onnn don't you see I'm ready!? 

Maybe you want to consider a little break? Or email me! I'm happy to give more detail on my experience. 

All I know is that two months ago I was panicked about turning 27 and being single, and today I feel like I'm watching a movie. I'm just going where I want, wearing what I want, and watching God do the rest. With popcorn, of course. Gotta have snacks. 

Happy Wednesday friends! 

on being single // update

I'm out of here next week. Hopping on a plane from ATL > Amsterdam > Rwanda > Uganda. I'm in full on go mode. My mind is running nonstop and if I go anywhere at all without my to do list, I return to my desk with six emails from myself. Pack this. Buy that. Don't forget to get a flu shot.

It's all go go go and every time I sit down to write a blog post, I get three or four thoughts going and somehow end up back where I began, deleting it all. My mind can't slow down enough to process and I know the minute I land in my seat on the plane my brain will begin to flood with posts. I'll be scribbling notes into the margins of my books, dog earring the pages so I remember where I wrote that random idea.

But I also know I desperately need to blog now about my break from dating. Because when I get back from Africa, it will be over and everything will be different. I won't be in the woods anymore, but instead in the meadow, and everything looks different from there. 

First of all, I've had a lot more fun being single than I expected. I've had this new attitude of I do what I want and I hope I can hold onto it as I go from this place. I wear what I want, go where I want and - more importantly - stay home when I want. It's amazing. 

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And you know what else? I've stopped stressing about my future. I've stopped worrying about finding someone and started resting in the peace that everything is perfect in God's timing. I feel so much more relaxed; at peace. 

Surprisingly, it's the least lonely I've felt in months. I know it's because I've stopped looking at the empty seat next to me every day - hoping someone will sit in it. And instead, have started to embrace how deeply I'm getting to know myself. And someday, the seat will be full again. But I pray that I don't forget this feeling; that even in the darkest hours of loneliness, I will hold on to this feeling of peace. That I will remember that my worth is not from having a plus one, but instead rooted in Christ. 

It's both exciting and relaxing and is taking away my fear of being alone - my fear of having no boy to text or take to a wedding. 

Y'all know I can boogie solo. I hope you don't read this as some congratulatory post to myself ("Good job, Whitney, for going on no dates in six weeks!"). But instead, I hope you see it as one of gratitude. I'm so grateful for the support I've received and the things I've come to understand these last few weeks. I went into this season feeling dry - alone and lonely and wanting someone, anyone, to care to know my heart. But alas, I feel in bloom again - knowing deeply, deeply that everything is right in God's timing. 

on why i'm quitting dating

I've broken up with people before, and I've been broken up with before, but this is a new one for me. Today, I'm officially breaking up with dating. 

The fact is, somewhere along the line, I've become consumed with - obsessed with - dating.

I've spent a lot of time in the last few months pursuing my relationship with God, but I've remained a little frustrated. For months, I've felt like I've been hitting a glass ceiling - getting so close, yet something was still keeping me from Him. 

And last night in church, reality hit me: dating is keeping me from Him, because I'm idolizing it. And not just dating, but relationships. I have always been forward thinking; planning my next step, my next phase. However, I also consider myself (mostly) able to live in the moment, and, unfortunately, my obsession with having a serious relationship, building a future, working toward marriage, has started stealing my joy for the right now. It has made me feel stuck in a phase of life that I'm not so sure I should be rushing through. I want to slow down and enjoy this season; learn from it and live it fully. 

I once heard idols described as dangerous because, when you begin to idolize something, you are a dog and it is your tail. But eventually, they can be so all-consuming that the idol becomes the dog, and you're simply the tail, following it around.

I am the tail. And last night I realized I needed to give this idol up. 

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I feel fortunate that, for a lot of my life, if I've wanted something enough, I've been able to find a way to get it. But a relationship - my husband - that next phase - is not something I can get on my own. While I know this cognitively, I unfortunately don't fully believe it. As with so many single-20-something-girls, I calculate. I go to certain places on weekends with the hope of meeting someone. I make plans to go places when I really want to stay at home.

Because you never know.

 And I know I'm not alone. So many of us are out there in the world, hoping to meet someone. I can't tell you the number of times someone has said to me:

You can meet someone anywhere. Even the grocery store!

Yes. You can meet someone anywhere. That's so true. But it isn't the reason we're at the grocery store. And it isn't the reason we're living. 

However, lately it seems to be the reason I'm doing a lot of things. 

And, in addition to that, I've been on a wild amount of no-so-good dates. Total misses, called Brittany instead of Whitney, type dates. I've also had a frustratingly high number of unavailable guys make moves lately and I'd noticed the two things combined were starting to weigh on me. And it's really important to me that I don't become jaded. Because I believe in love deeply and I believe in the good in people with all of my heart. And I don't want a funny season of life to challenge those beliefs. I want to hold onto them. 

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So, I'm officially on sabbatical. I'm not just taking a break from dating, but also one from calculating. I'm not doing things with the hope of meeting someone and I'm not weighing it into my decision making. I'm just doing me. For five weeks. Which takes me right until I leave for Africa. 

I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if I'll have a mind-shift or stop brushing my hair or do something crazy. But I hope it reminds me to live in the present. To embrace the in between and see the beauty in the mess. To see the beauty in the little things and break through my glass ceiling with vengeance.

Wish me luck, y'all! :)